Insecurities in a Relationship: How Much Power Do They Have?

“Insecurity kills all that is beautiful” – Author Unknown

Past Insecurities in a New Relationship

Most people enter relationships with their insecurities in the back of their mind, and choose to push them aside for the sake of being able to be in the relationship.

• You have met someone really nice, and you think they are going to be good for you and that the best thing for you to do is not let them see your insecurities.
• You enter the relationship and the more comfortable you become with the person and the relationship, small pieces of your insecurities start to leak out.
• Your partner thinks that you are all of a sudden showing signs of insecurities when in fact you have always had those insecurities but you were able to mask them while you were getting to know one another.
• As time continues, your insecurities gain more control of your relationship.  

How much power do your insecurities have in your relationship? Let’s look at an example so you can have more clarity.  

An Example:

You experienced a rocky childhood where you were called names, told you would never amount to anything, that no one was going to love someone like you, and that you are going to be just like your mother or father. You never had the support you needed as a child or anyone to encourage you. Your trust in people was shattered and you have a hard time believing anyone could truly love you.

Now as an adult, you have entered this beautiful relationship and pushed those feelings of distrust aside and to give this an honest try. The more you are in this relationship, you start to question everything that you once believed.

Do they really love me?

Are they cheating on me?

Why do they always take me to restaurants—do they think I am fat?

Your insecurities have started to take over every act of love that your mate has tried to exhibit to you.  

How insecurities develop within a relationship

There are some of us who enter a relationship as confident as they come. You believe you have found the one who is going to give you unconditional love and give you the treatment you have always desired. They have surpassed all of your expectations and you feel that you have hit the jackpot.

But then as the relationship develops and you start to feel more conmfortable, your mate changes into someone you don’t recognize. Instead of supporting you, they discourage you. They no longer compliment you on how well you look or on your successes but they degrade you and make you feel worthless.

You no longer smile as you once did. You begin to question yourself and blame yourself for how you feel. You find yourself crying more than you ever have in your life. You are no longer the confident person you were when you entered this relationship.

How to overcome your insecurities

1. First, you need to acknowledge what your insecurities are and recognize that you are more valuable than your insecurities.
2. Secondly, start a journal and write down when you begin to experience those insecurities, and who and what makes you feel that way.
3. Next, follow daily motivational quotes to encourage you and start to recite those quotes while looking at yourself in the mirror.
4. Lastly, detach from those who make you experience those insecure feelings. Tell them how they have made you feel and suggest seeing a counselor to help both of you overcome the effects of these insecurities. Understand that when people begin to degrade you or make you develop insecurities, they also have insecurities they need to overcome.
5. Finally, realize that every day is not going to be a perfect day. You will experience ups and downs but never give up. Things may look hopeless but stay encouraged and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  

I believe in you! You can do this!  Remain encouraged! 

Keisha Ellis

Relationship coach